Today's the first time I've told anybody but you about a lot of things. About how I've been thinking about growing up and wondering how I do that, and how I'm afraid I'm never going to see my family again. With the Porter broken, can anyone really say if more imPorts are going to come in like they have in the past? Other people think so, but I can't help but worry. I don't like the thought of never talking to Mom or Dad or Gene or Louise again especially, but there's also Aunt Gayle, and Teddy, and Mort, and all of my friends at school. No more sexy dental exams from Dr. Yap. No more going to Reggie's to see if I can get a glimpse of his cute delivery boy. No more trying to score dates with Jimmy Jr. or seeing his better assets. Sometimes I even feel like I'm starting to miss Tammy. My life is completely different here, even if I DO like it.
So I need to grow up along with growing older. Archie thinks I'm doing well on my own already, and I know Magnus wants me to just be a kid. But I want to figure things out. I want to be as cool and confident and in control of things as I like to imagine myself being in my fanfiction. I want to be the kind of mature kid my parents would be proud of. I want to be able to take care of myself and not always have people rescuing me, if it comes to that.
[There are several attempts at sentences that are struck out before she gives up and just writes:]
Dear diary,
I have a lot of thinking I need to do. I hope you don't mind if I write a lot of things and maybe rip them out or scribble over them and rewrite over the next while. But right now, I'm at a loss for words.
After talking to a few people I feel a bit less like a fool but now I'm just left with a lot of questions, a lot of things I need to ask people who aren't here. I can't believe I didn't notice how things were between me and Jimmy Jr., but I'm even more upset that nobody else in my life seemed to notice or thought it would be good to tell me. Louise especially is never shy about speaking up when she thinks I'm being an idiot or when someone else is treating me badly, so... what happened here? I don't think they enjoyed watching me throw myself at a guy who was so hot and cold, so is it just one of those things we were oblivious about, like the fact that we lived for years and years and never noticed that no time seemed to pass?
It's also hard because I've had to take a look at myself and my own actions. I kept pushing Jimmy Jr. sometimes when he wasn't feeling it. I kept chasing after him because of the cute butt and because I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I held onto the good times and kept hoping we'd hit a patch of on-again and it would last. Because the on-again times were so nice. Who else has ever had a midair kiss on a trampoline in front of their classmates? I didn't notice or didn't care when he wasn't feeling it. Maybe that's why he would forget we were a thing and not show up to dates, and I was just too stupid to realize it.
I guess we're both to blame in some ways.
We are just 13, after all.
There's going to be a Candlemas party at Lucretia's house soon, I'm going to Archie and Maxie's place for their party, and Poe's invited me to one on Christmas Eve.
Maybe I will just let John from the coffee shop ask me out and take him to meet my friends. It couldn't hurt, and I'll try better not to screw up this time. And I'll go and buy a new dress and put on some makeup and be beautiful for the parties.
[The following image has been printed out and pasted at the top of this entry:]
Dear diary,
Now I'm starting to wonder if time being so weird back home is messing with my memories, too- though it could also be because I haven't been back home in months. And so many things have happened here, maybe I'm misremembering things that happened back home, or I'm so miserable I'm focusing on the bad parts and blowing them out of proportion. I don't know, and it's frustrating because there's nobody I can ask about it from home.
I do know that what I felt for Jimmy Jr. was real, even if he wasn't what I held him up to be, even if it was naive of me to think we'd spend the rest of our lives together. And I think he did feel SOMETHING for me, even if he was bad at showing it. He could be sweet and he did take me out on some dates and he was enthusiastic about doing stuff sometimes. Does that excuse him being a jerk other times and not showing up to some of our dates and turning away? I guess not. Like a lot of things in life, it's complicated, and maybe I'm being too hard on him. People change and do things they regret. I've changed since coming here.
I wish I had someone who could just tell me what the answers were and how to feel. But that's a stupid thing to think because it that person doesn't exist. So I have to work on things by myself, and that means I need to take the time to just feel everything and come out the other side with more clarity. And with the holidays coming up, I refuse to drag everyone else down with me.
I've seen people talk about doing a year in review, and of course it's time to make resolutions. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what's happened in my life since I arrived here, and I think "everything happens so much" about sums it up. But there are some highlights.
1. I've got so many friends. People who care about me and my opinions, adults who are there to guide me and care for me and give me advice because my parents aren't here to do it. I don't have too many my own age, but that's not been so bad, either. More than anything, finding these people has helped me survive here without my family. I still think about Mom and Dad and Gene and Louise and miss them every day, but I can function and be happy without them, too.
2. My powers. Learning magic has been pretty great, even if I can't do it very well yet. My cooking power has helped me connect with people, and even though I know it's not 100% my own doing, I like being good at something. It's good for my confidence.
3. I discovered what Pokemon are. This has been one of the best things that could possibly have happened to me, not just here, but in any world. I want to go to the Pokemon world so badly it almost hurts sometimes. Even if I just went on a journey and didn't have a horse Pokemon ranch, I'd belong there. Gene and Louise should come with me, too. Louise would be the fiercest little trainer ever.
4. I've had to grow up. Not just in the sense that I'm finally aging, but in this world, it's been hard to discover that not everyone had the great upbringing I did. People come from worlds with war, and Pokemon, and demigods, and all sorts of things I would never have seen or touched on back home. It's not always been easy to accept. I'm thinking especially of when I found out that Magnus and Taako have both killed people. It took me some time to reconcile that with the guys I know, who welcomed me into their lives and treated me like one of the guys and take care of me even though they weren't asked to. But in the end, I could accept that it's part of them I will never understand, I shouldn't hold it against them, and they can still be good people.
5. I've also had to move on from some things. I'm still torn up about Jimmy Jr. and wish I could talk to someone from home- preferably him- about it and straighten things up. But I can't, so I keep going back and forth from thinking I must have imagined things and he was perfectly nice to thinking he was awful and I was a blind and shallow fool for thinking he was in love with me. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But either way, I had to let myself be OK with going out with someone else, because the truth is I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck here, and I want to be happy. I'm still not 100% OK with the idea of dating John, but I don't think I ever will be, and I think it's fine to not be OK with it.
I've decided there are some things I do want to do in the new year.
-Dress up more often. I keep forgetting that I can afford new clothes, and I kinda like wearing pretty things. -Write more. I've not written any fanfiction in a long time, and it feels weird to think about that. -Try a new style of food. I know it's going to turn out perfectly because of my powers, but I've never had Indian food. Or Japanese food. I can introduce my housemates to so many new things. -Maybe get new glasses. Something more stylish than my cola bottle ones.
Then again... I don't want to change TOO much, right?
I never thought it would be a question of whether or not I'd move in with my family right away if any of them were to show up, but I keep stalling, because I can't make my mind up. I feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter for even hesitating. But at the same time, Maurtia Falls number 3 has become my home, which is even weirder to think about. The restaurant and the apartment above it were my home, and Wagstaff School, and Wonder Wharf, and Seymour's Bay. I guess it's only natural to want to settle when you're stuck in another world for a while, though. You have to keep going and make the best of it.
Still, it's like the question of whether or not it's okay for me to try dating other boys even though Jimmy Jr. is back home and may or may not be kind of a jerk. It doesn't have any easy answers, and being able to tackle tough questions is just part of growing up. But I keep putting off answering this question, because I feel like no matter which answer I choose- stay with the guys or move next door with Mom, or even get our own place- I'm going to end up hurting at least one person I care about. And that's not something I want to do. Mom IS only next door, but she's my mom, and my family's still the most important thing in the world to me. I wish we had room in number 3 so it wasn't even an issue.
I'm finding myself wishing for a lot of things I can't have lately.
What if I just moved to the moon? Left all of my tough questions behind and became a moon hermit and didn't talk to anyone ever again? I wonder if there are animals on the moon here, like moon horses.
That's a lot of times to write moon. Moon moon moon moon. Now it doesn't even look like a word any more.
As much as I loved being up there, looking down at Earth did make me feel a little small and insignificant. Mom and Dad always told me whatever problems I had were still important, though- and everyone I confide in and ask for advice here makes me feel the same way. I can't start comparing myself to others and trying to shove things away because it's going to do nothing but make me feel awful in the end, and I'll be worse off than when I started.
At least I have that school trip coming up soon to look forward to. I might just turn my device off and disconnect from everyone else for the whole weekend, reconnect with myself, and come out of it with a clearer head. Yeah, that sounds nice.
Every hour that goes by without Archie coming back feels like forever... but if he does, is it bad that I find that to be more than a little weird? What if he comes back as a zombie? Not that I mind zombies, but meeting a real one might not be the same as it is in my fanfiction.
Plus, with Darryl gone, and now Jyn... I'm afraid that maybe he won't come back at all. I need to try and prepare myself for that, but how can I do that? It's been hard enough just figuring out how to handle him dying in the first place. I've always kinda known what death is- it's hard not to when your neighbour is a mortician- but it happening to someone I know is different. It feels like there's gloom, a cloud hanging over everyone, that's not going to go away. I've been getting help where I can, and that's helped me feel a little bit better about things. Mom being here has helped a lot, too- she knows me and knows how to talk to me. The school counselor says it's going to take time to feel normal again no matter what, so in the meantime, I just need to make sure everyone else is taken care of.
Sometimes I feel like that's all I have to offer, and I'm not even all that good at it.
Emmental, Dark and Handsome Have A Gouda Time Pigtures Of You You Chive Me Crazy Karma Chamel-onion Bun-der Pressure Gotta Get Down On Fried Egg Bean There Done That Another Little Pizza My Heart Bok This Way Curd Your Enthusiasm Sgt. Pepperjack's Lonely Hearts Club Band Artichoke Heart & Soul Another Little Piece of my Chard Salmon Ain't So Muenster Mash Ghost Pepper With The Most Jalapeno No You Didn't Some Kind of A-1derful Up-Brown Funk Mild Horses (comes with mild peppers) Part Fries, Part Truth, Part Heart, Part Garlic (topped with garlic fries) Smackwater Pepperjack R.E.O. Cheesewagon (comes with pickle wheels and 3 kinds of cheese) Roquefort With You Bold Yeller (topped with spicy BBQ sauce) Smoth-ern Nights (open face, smothered in cooked onions or mushrooms + gravy) Eggstra Eggstra (scambled eggs and bell peppers on a bun) Pico Suave (pico de gallo) Smoking Bun (topped with smoked cheese) Every Breath You Steak (topped with steak sauce) Nothing Compares 2 Bleu (topped with bleu cheese) Dazed & Corn-fused (corn salsa) Sloppy Joe-lene Taco Bout It (taco seasoning, shredded cheese/lettuce/tomato on top) Don't Roque The Jukebox Nacho Nacho Man (topped with nacho cheese, served with tortilla chips) Seven Seas Of Rye (served on a rye bun) Fiona Pineapple Pineappling For The Fjords One Fineapple Day Judy Blue Cheese Sri Sets The City On Fire (topped with sriracha) Aioli Have Eyes For You It's My Party And I'll Fry If I Want To (topped with choice of french fries, fried pickles or fried onions) Billie Goat Jean (topped with goat cheese) You Spinach Me Right Round (topped with wilted spinach) Nights In White Seitan (vegetarian seitan patty) Wind Beneath My Rings (topped with onion rings) Ham On The Run (topped with fried ham) Getting Feta All The Time (topped with feta cheese) You And Rye (rye bun) Mayo Always Be True (chipotle mayo) That's Gouda, That's Bad Hello From The Other Slide (sliders) Pizza and Love (Italian sausage patty, topped with mozz and pizza sauce) A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mozz (Italian sausage patty + mozz + pizza sauce) Thai Your Mother Down (thai peanut sauce) Will You Brie Mine (topped with brie cheese) Onion Ring Around The Rosie Curly Top (topped with curly fries) Top Corn-tender (topped with corn salsa) Coleslaw Miner's Daughter (topped with cole slaw) Pig and Rich (topped with ham and bacon) Brie & Bobby McGee (topped with brie) Slop O' The Morning (Sloppy Joe sandwich) Baby Got Black (blackened cajun patty) Ram-blin' Man (lamb patty) Put Your Head Poupon My Shoulder (topped with Grey Poupon mustard) Velveeta Underground (served with shells and cheese) Gimme Shell-ter (served with shells and cheese) I Slaw The Sign (topped with cole slaw) Help Me Get My Beet Back On The Ground It's Brie Real Estate Steak Me There (topped with steak sauce) Happiness Is A Warm Bun (served on a jalapeno bun) Get Kraut (topped with sauerkraut) Krauta Time Ricotta Have It (Italian sausage patty + tomato sauce + ricotta cheese) We'll Always Have Pear-is (served with poached pears for dessert) Keeping Up Ap-pear-ances Un-pear-ably Good Bhut Of The Joke (served with bhut jolokia pepper relish) Bread Rolling In The Deep (served on a brioche roll) Meat The Beet-les (served with pickled beets) Abbeet Road Intersteak Love Song (topped with steak sauce) Brand New Tur-Key (turkey burger) Cranberry Good Time (turkey burger + cranberry relish) Leftover My Head (turkey burger + cranberry relish + leftover sweet potatoes) Veggie, That's Swell (veggie burger) Comte My Window (topped with comte cheese) It's A Nice Day For A White Chedding (topped with white cheddar cheese) Bucheron Top Of The World (topped with bucheron cheese) Get A Goatload Of This (topped with goat cheese) Love Meat Do (2 patties) Telling Kales Another Tale To Spinach Spinaching A Yarn All's Noel That Ends Well (served on a green and red bun, topped with green and red peppers) Bun Bun Rudolph (served on a red and green bun) All I Want For Christmas Is Ewe (lamb patty) 5 Golden Rings (topped with yellow onions) A Latke On My Mind (served with latkes) Don't Que Want Me Baby (topped with bbq pulled pork) Que Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman Peppadew You Hear Me? Second Starfruit To The Right A Starfruit Is Born Goat Your Own Way Bok Like An Egyptian (topped with bok choy) Brioche-ans Apart Rye Rye Love (served on a rye bun) A Horse(radish) Is A Horse, Of Course Of Course My Aim Is Bleu (topped with bleu cheese) Goat Of Many Colors The Pepper At The Gates Of Dawn Are You Eggsperienced? (topped with a fried egg) The Wind Cries Cherry (topped with cherry tomato relish) Croque Me Hamadeus (topped with fried ham and Emmental cheese) Age Of Asparagus (served with a side of roasted asparagus) Live And Let Fry (topped with french fries) Meet BB-Cute (topped with BBQ sauce/pulled pork) Kohlrabid Fandom (served with roasted kohlrabi) We Can Brie Heroes Fan Daikonvention (served with roasted daikon radishes) Goat Set A Watchman (topped w/goat cheese) Kraut Of Order Peas Will Guide The Planets (served w/sugar snap peas) And Loaf Will Steer The Stars (meatloaf on a burger bun) Old Brown Road (topped w/brown mustard, or served on a rye bun) Lettuce Remember The Good Thymes Here I Go Egg-ain Egg-ainst All Odds
"Just keep being yourself and taking care of yourself. That's all you need to do."
That's what everyone keeps telling me, but I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I can and should be doing something more. It feels pretty selfish of me to just live my life like nothing's gone wrong, like that never happened, and keep going to school and going out with my boyfriend and spending time with Mom. Not when it feels like my world's close to ending and like some of my relationships are falling apart. But on the other hand, what else CAN I do? What happened wasn't my fault and didn't even involve me at all. And I guess it's not like anyone's going to be upset that I can't fix everything.
I think it doesn't help that the past few weeks have made me start wondering again just why I was brought to this world. I thought I'd mostly had that figured out, but this has thrown me off again. Back home, I knew who I was, what my place was in my family and in my life. The oldest daughter, the one Mom and Dad trusted to help them run the restaurant and take care of my siblings. At Wagstaff, I was Tina the 8th grader, who was pretty OK at school and spent a lot of time chasing after Jimmy Jr., the kid who made friends with her teachers and was a hall monitor and tried her best to keep everyone out of trouble.
Who am I here? What role do I play in this story?
My birthday is next month, and I want to celebrate it with my mom and friends, but will they even want to? Will it feel like a birthday or just be awkward? I guess the only way to find out is talk to people. But no time or place feels right.
There's also the fact that I'm kinda leaning toward moving out. Getting a place that's for me and Mom. Maybe it'd be better for everyone else if they didn't have to worry about me. Even if it was just for a little while. Even if it does hurt them.
It's Valentine's day, and as much as I don't want to, I've been thinking about Jimmy Jr. a lot today. Wishing I could have a chance to talk to him and straighten things out. Missing him, even. I haven't brought it up to John, though, because it's really unfair to him. Is it bad that I can't quite let go of Jimmy Jr.? He was my first crush, after all... and my first kiss. Maybe it's possible to remember and appreciate what that meant to me while still appreciating what I have now. And what I have is a guy who listens to me and takes me out and shows me how much he likes my company, and that's pretty great.
I'm going to be volunteering at the Endeavor Center, I think. It will get me out of the house and give me more chances to connect to people closer to my age. It'll give me less room to think about how awful I've felt the past few weeks ever since that happened. It'll help me feel like I'm making a difference somewhere. Plus, I can hopefully sell some burgers while doing it.
I like to think of it as making the choice to be happy here. It doesn't mean that I don't care about what happened, but part of taking care of myself is going to have to include admitting that there's nothing I can do to make it better faster. It's been hard for me to accept, but the alternative is worrying myself to death. And that doesn't help anybody.
Magnus Burnsides - topped with mango salsa and "sideburns" of hot peppers Detective Angus - made of Angus beef, filled with chef's choice of cheese Sharpedo (for Archie) - Topped with sharp cheddar cheese and "fins" made of nacho cheese Doritos Poe-tato Dameron - Topped with french fries/a patty of fried mashed potatoes Merle Highchurch - Pan-fried and topped with GREENS (arugula? kale? spinach? lettuce?) Wizard Of Mozz (for Taako) - Italian sausage patty topped with mozzarella cheese and pizza sauce Pikachu (for Red) - a food coloring-dyed yellow bun, burger topped with pepperoni slices, olives and mustard to make a Pikachu face Exeggutor (for Blue) - a honey and egg bun, topped with a fried egg Quatre Formaggio - topped with four kinds of cheese Duo Maxwell - a duo of sliders, two patties each Mad Max - Two mini patties served on an elongated bun, with fried pickle wheels (skateboard, oh yeah)
I'm glad I got to go back home for a while, even if the memories have given me a lot to think about, so much that I'm still thinking about them more than a month later. I can't get over this nagging feeling that maybe I'm TOO forgiving of people and maybe my life might be better if I were a little less kind. Then I feel awful for thinking that, because how could kindness ever be a bad thing? So I go back to trying not to worry about it... and then I remember how easily I forgave Jimmy Jr. and kept making excuses for him, and kept trying to make friends with and be nice to Tammy even though she never came close to reciprocating, and let my siblings pretty much get away with murder. If I were less kind, I could stand up for myself. I could tell people "that's not acceptable", and maybe I'd be less of a joke to everyone.
I think the worst part about it is back home, I let all of this stuff slide off my back like it's nothing. I almost forget about it after a certain period of time. Is it a quirk of my world, like the part where I didn't age? Or am I trying to let myself off the hook?
At least here, I am learning how to set boundaries and that it's OK to tell people "no", even if I love them, and be mad at them if they mistreat me. I can't have a perfect relationship with everyone, and trying to do that is what leads to me being such a pushover.
I feel like the things I have learned are going to be put to the test in the coming weeks, what with anti-imPort stuff happening, and things in my personal life sometimes being a mess. I've been fighting with John lately, trying to persuade him into seeing me even though his parents are- rightfully- afraid that we're going to get heckled, at best, if we're seen in public together and want us to avoid each other til things cool down. He's refusing to see me in person, and even though I know he's right I still get mad. And now that I'm in an adult body, he said he'd feel weird spending time with me. I know he's right, I'd feel the same way, but I still hate it.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except "life kinda sucks but I feel like I can deal with it". And ultimately, I would rather be kind. It's what makes me a good big sister, a good daughter, and a good student. It's what makes me better than someone like Tammy.
The longer Mom's gone, the harder it is both for me to distract myself and for me to keep believing that she's going to come back. Because my closest ones just keep disappearing one by one... Taako, and Max, and Lucretia. Is Mom going to be next? Or Magnus or Archie? I don't want to think about it, but I do, especially when I'm in bed at night and can't sleep because that's the time it seems like it's easiest for those kinds of thoughts to creep in.
I'm also wishing I could go back home and feeling like a selfish jerk for thinking that way at the same time. I have a lot going for me here, despite the losses. I still have a lot of friends, I have support at home and at school, I have a boyfriend who adores me, and basically everything I need. But without my family here, it doesn't feel complete. At the same time, I'm not sure how it would go if the rest of them were to show up. I know they'd still love me, like Mom still loves me, but I'm not the same Tina they know. Not really. Plus, I was 2 years older than Gene and 4 years older than Louise when I left. They found it hard to relate to me already in some ways, since they haven't started puberty, and Louise is still convinced it's never going to happen to her. But now I'm 3 and 5 years older than them... at my next birthday, it will be 4 and 6. I'd feel distant from my siblings, my best friends. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and not being able to have that same kind of relationship with them is not good to think about.
I guess I'm just going to have to cross that bridge if I come to it.
School is starting soon, and I'm going to be seeing the counselor again. Because distractions and keeping myself so busy I'm exhausted by the end of the day every day is starting to not work when it comes to not worrying constantly about Mom.
I also need to think long and hard about staying in Maurtia Falls. My heart says to stay, because it's the only home I've had here, there's so much we'd have to change and move around, it would be a big undertaking. But my mind knows I'm not safe here any more... moreso than any of the other imPort cities.
I wish I could just go back to my world, being eternally 13, and never having to make these choices again.
Are You Afraid Of The Cheddark? Curry That Weight The Loaf You Take Is Equal To The Loaf You Make (meatloaf sandwich) Sri's So Heavy (half-pound patty topped with sriracha) A Hash Truth (served w/hash browns) Eggs And Ba-Con (for FanPort, topped w/bacon and a fried egg) Thyme Of The Season Baby Sharp (doo doo doo) (topped w/sharp cheddar) Blame It On The Grain (served on 9-grain bun) Loaf Will Keep Us Together (served on artisan bread) This Is Pine-al Tap (topped with grilled pineapple) House Of The Fry-sing Sun (topped with french fries) Beast Of Cucumber-den (served w/cucumber "noodles") Zucc Suit Riot (served w/zucchini zoodles) Let It Wasa-be (served w/wasabi peas) Butter Late Than Never (served on a buttered, toasted bun) Land Of 1000 (Island) Dances (served w/thousand island dressing)
December 10th, 2017
Dear diary,
Today's the first time I've told anybody but you about a lot of things. About how I've been thinking about growing up and wondering how I do that, and how I'm afraid I'm never going to see my family again. With the Porter broken, can anyone really say if more imPorts are going to come in like they have in the past? Other people think so, but I can't help but worry. I don't like the thought of never talking to Mom or Dad or Gene or Louise again especially, but there's also Aunt Gayle, and Teddy, and Mort, and all of my friends at school. No more sexy dental exams from Dr. Yap. No more going to Reggie's to see if I can get a glimpse of his cute delivery boy. No more trying to score dates with Jimmy Jr. or seeing his better assets. Sometimes I even feel like I'm starting to miss Tammy. My life is completely different here, even if I DO like it.
So I need to grow up along with growing older. Archie thinks I'm doing well on my own already, and I know Magnus wants me to just be a kid. But I want to figure things out. I want to be as cool and confident and in control of things as I like to imagine myself being in my fanfiction. I want to be the kind of mature kid my parents would be proud of. I want to be able to take care of myself and not always have people rescuing me, if it comes to that.
Maybe I can ask the network.
December 14th, 2017
[There are several attempts at sentences that are struck out before she gives up and just writes:]
Dear diary,
I have a lot of thinking I need to do. I hope you don't mind if I write a lot of things and maybe rip them out or scribble over them and rewrite over the next while. But right now, I'm at a loss for words.
Love,
Tina
December 15th, 2017
Dear diary,
After talking to a few people I feel a bit less like a fool but now I'm just left with a lot of questions, a lot of things I need to ask people who aren't here. I can't believe I didn't notice how things were between me and Jimmy Jr., but I'm even more upset that nobody else in my life seemed to notice or thought it would be good to tell me. Louise especially is never shy about speaking up when she thinks I'm being an idiot or when someone else is treating me badly, so... what happened here? I don't think they enjoyed watching me throw myself at a guy who was so hot and cold, so is it just one of those things we were oblivious about, like the fact that we lived for years and years and never noticed that no time seemed to pass?
It's also hard because I've had to take a look at myself and my own actions. I kept pushing Jimmy Jr. sometimes when he wasn't feeling it. I kept chasing after him because of the cute butt and because I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I held onto the good times and kept hoping we'd hit a patch of on-again and it would last. Because the on-again times were so nice. Who else has ever had a midair kiss on a trampoline in front of their classmates? I didn't notice or didn't care when he wasn't feeling it. Maybe that's why he would forget we were a thing and not show up to dates, and I was just too stupid to realize it.
I guess we're both to blame in some ways.
We are just 13, after all.
There's going to be a Candlemas party at Lucretia's house soon, I'm going to Archie and Maxie's place for their party, and Poe's invited me to one on Christmas Eve.
Maybe I will just let John from the coffee shop ask me out and take him to meet my friends. It couldn't hurt, and I'll try better not to screw up this time. And I'll go and buy a new dress and put on some makeup and be beautiful for the parties.
TINA'S WHITEBOARD
Am I a mutant because I have 4 fingers or is everyone else?
Talk to Lachesis about turning me into a horse
Talk to Taako about turning me into a horse
Penis fly trap
look up time theories on the internet
time theories were a mistake, don't look up more
search on the internet:
can you break up with a boy who's not here
is it OK to date a boy while you're technically dating someone back home
check on moon real estate prices
also check and see if it's ok in this world for 13 year olds to own property
M O O N
December 17th, 2017
Dear diary,
Now I'm starting to wonder if time being so weird back home is messing with my memories, too- though it could also be because I haven't been back home in months. And so many things have happened here, maybe I'm misremembering things that happened back home, or I'm so miserable I'm focusing on the bad parts and blowing them out of proportion. I don't know, and it's frustrating because there's nobody I can ask about it from home.
I do know that what I felt for Jimmy Jr. was real, even if he wasn't what I held him up to be, even if it was naive of me to think we'd spend the rest of our lives together. And I think he did feel SOMETHING for me, even if he was bad at showing it. He could be sweet and he did take me out on some dates and he was enthusiastic about doing stuff sometimes. Does that excuse him being a jerk other times and not showing up to some of our dates and turning away? I guess not. Like a lot of things in life, it's complicated, and maybe I'm being too hard on him. People change and do things they regret. I've changed since coming here.
I wish I had someone who could just tell me what the answers were and how to feel. But that's a stupid thing to think because it that person doesn't exist. So I have to work on things by myself, and that means I need to take the time to just feel everything and come out the other side with more clarity. And with the holidays coming up, I refuse to drag everyone else down with me.
December 31st, 2017
I've seen people talk about doing a year in review, and of course it's time to make resolutions. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what's happened in my life since I arrived here, and I think "everything happens so much" about sums it up. But there are some highlights.
1. I've got so many friends. People who care about me and my opinions, adults who are there to guide me and care for me and give me advice because my parents aren't here to do it. I don't have too many my own age, but that's not been so bad, either. More than anything, finding these people has helped me survive here without my family. I still think about Mom and Dad and Gene and Louise and miss them every day, but I can function and be happy without them, too.
2. My powers. Learning magic has been pretty great, even if I can't do it very well yet. My cooking power has helped me connect with people, and even though I know it's not 100% my own doing, I like being good at something. It's good for my confidence.
3. I discovered what Pokemon are. This has been one of the best things that could possibly have happened to me, not just here, but in any world. I want to go to the Pokemon world so badly it almost hurts sometimes. Even if I just went on a journey and didn't have a horse Pokemon ranch, I'd belong there. Gene and Louise should come with me, too. Louise would be the fiercest little trainer ever.
4. I've had to grow up. Not just in the sense that I'm finally aging, but in this world, it's been hard to discover that not everyone had the great upbringing I did. People come from worlds with war, and Pokemon, and demigods, and all sorts of things I would never have seen or touched on back home. It's not always been easy to accept. I'm thinking especially of when I found out that Magnus and Taako have both killed people. It took me some time to reconcile that with the guys I know, who welcomed me into their lives and treated me like one of the guys and take care of me even though they weren't asked to. But in the end, I could accept that it's part of them I will never understand, I shouldn't hold it against them, and they can still be good people.
5. I've also had to move on from some things. I'm still torn up about Jimmy Jr. and wish I could talk to someone from home- preferably him- about it and straighten things up. But I can't, so I keep going back and forth from thinking I must have imagined things and he was perfectly nice to thinking he was awful and I was a blind and shallow fool for thinking he was in love with me. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But either way, I had to let myself be OK with going out with someone else, because the truth is I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck here, and I want to be happy. I'm still not 100% OK with the idea of dating John, but I don't think I ever will be, and I think it's fine to not be OK with it.
I've decided there are some things I do want to do in the new year.
-Dress up more often. I keep forgetting that I can afford new clothes, and I kinda like wearing pretty things.
-Write more. I've not written any fanfiction in a long time, and it feels weird to think about that.
-Try a new style of food. I know it's going to turn out perfectly because of my powers, but I've never had Indian food. Or Japanese food. I can introduce my housemates to so many new things.
-Maybe get new glasses. Something more stylish than my cola bottle ones.
Then again... I don't want to change TOO much, right?
January 5th, 2018
Mom's here.
January 9th, 2018
Still, it's like the question of whether or not it's okay for me to try dating other boys even though Jimmy Jr. is back home and may or may not be kind of a jerk. It doesn't have any easy answers, and being able to tackle tough questions is just part of growing up. But I keep putting off answering this question, because I feel like no matter which answer I choose- stay with the guys or move next door with Mom, or even get our own place- I'm going to end up hurting at least one person I care about. And that's not something I want to do. Mom IS only next door, but she's my mom, and my family's still the most important thing in the world to me. I wish we had room in number 3 so it wasn't even an issue.
I'm finding myself wishing for a lot of things I can't have lately.
January 13th, 2018
That's a lot of times to write moon. Moon moon moon moon. Now it doesn't even look like a word any more.
As much as I loved being up there, looking down at Earth did make me feel a little small and insignificant. Mom and Dad always told me whatever problems I had were still important, though- and everyone I confide in and ask for advice here makes me feel the same way. I can't start comparing myself to others and trying to shove things away because it's going to do nothing but make me feel awful in the end, and I'll be worse off than when I started.
At least I have that school trip coming up soon to look forward to. I might just turn my device off and disconnect from everyone else for the whole weekend, reconnect with myself, and come out of it with a clearer head. Yeah, that sounds nice.
January 21st, 2018
January 25th, 2018
Plus, with Darryl gone, and now Jyn... I'm afraid that maybe he won't come back at all. I need to try and prepare myself for that, but how can I do that? It's been hard enough just figuring out how to handle him dying in the first place. I've always kinda known what death is- it's hard not to when your neighbour is a mortician- but it happening to someone I know is different. It feels like there's gloom, a cloud hanging over everyone, that's not going to go away. I've been getting help where I can, and that's helped me feel a little bit better about things. Mom being here has helped a lot, too- she knows me and knows how to talk to me. The school counselor says it's going to take time to feel normal again no matter what, so in the meantime, I just need to make sure everyone else is taken care of.
Sometimes I feel like that's all I have to offer, and I'm not even all that good at it.
It sucks being helpless.
Burger Pun Ideas
Have A Gouda Time
Pigtures Of You
You Chive Me Crazy
Karma Chamel-onion
Bun-der Pressure
Gotta Get Down On Fried Egg
Bean There Done That
Another Little Pizza My Heart
Bok This Way
Curd Your Enthusiasm
Sgt. Pepperjack's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Artichoke Heart & Soul
Another Little Piece of my Chard
Salmon Ain't So
Muenster Mash
Ghost Pepper With The Most
Jalapeno No You Didn't
Some Kind of A-1derful
Up-Brown Funk
Mild Horses (comes with mild peppers)
Part Fries, Part Truth, Part Heart, Part Garlic (topped with garlic fries)
Smackwater Pepperjack
R.E.O. Cheesewagon (comes with pickle wheels and 3 kinds of cheese)
Roquefort With You
Bold Yeller (topped with spicy BBQ sauce)
Smoth-ern Nights (open face, smothered in cooked onions or mushrooms + gravy)
Eggstra Eggstra (scambled eggs and bell peppers on a bun)
Pico Suave (pico de gallo)
Smoking Bun (topped with smoked cheese)
Every Breath You Steak (topped with steak sauce)
Nothing Compares 2 Bleu (topped with bleu cheese)
Dazed & Corn-fused (corn salsa)
Sloppy Joe-lene
Taco Bout It (taco seasoning, shredded cheese/lettuce/tomato on top)
Don't Roque The Jukebox
Nacho Nacho Man (topped with nacho cheese, served with tortilla chips)
Seven Seas Of Rye (served on a rye bun)
Fiona Pineapple
Pineappling For The Fjords
One Fineapple Day
Judy Blue Cheese
Sri Sets The City On Fire (topped with sriracha)
Aioli Have Eyes For You
It's My Party And I'll Fry If I Want To (topped with choice of french fries, fried pickles or fried onions)
Billie Goat Jean (topped with goat cheese)
You Spinach Me Right Round (topped with wilted spinach)
Nights In White Seitan (vegetarian seitan patty)
Wind Beneath My Rings (topped with onion rings)
Ham On The Run (topped with fried ham)
Getting Feta All The Time (topped with feta cheese)
You And Rye (rye bun)
Mayo Always Be True (chipotle mayo)
That's Gouda, That's Bad
Hello From The Other Slide (sliders)
Pizza and Love (Italian sausage patty, topped with mozz and pizza sauce)
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mozz (Italian sausage patty + mozz + pizza sauce)
Thai Your Mother Down (thai peanut sauce)
Will You Brie Mine (topped with brie cheese)
Onion Ring Around The Rosie
Curly Top (topped with curly fries)
Top Corn-tender (topped with corn salsa)
Coleslaw Miner's Daughter (topped with cole slaw)
Pig and Rich (topped with ham and bacon)
Brie & Bobby McGee (topped with brie)
Slop O' The Morning (Sloppy Joe sandwich)
Baby Got Black (blackened cajun patty)
Ram-blin' Man (lamb patty)
Put Your Head Poupon My Shoulder (topped with Grey Poupon mustard)
Velveeta Underground (served with shells and cheese)
Gimme Shell-ter (served with shells and cheese)
I Slaw The Sign (topped with cole slaw)
Help Me Get My Beet Back On The Ground
It's Brie Real Estate
Steak Me There (topped with steak sauce)
Happiness Is A Warm Bun (served on a jalapeno bun)
Get Kraut (topped with sauerkraut)
Krauta Time
Ricotta Have It (Italian sausage patty + tomato sauce + ricotta cheese)
We'll Always Have Pear-is (served with poached pears for dessert)
Keeping Up Ap-pear-ances
Un-pear-ably Good
Bhut Of The Joke (served with bhut jolokia pepper relish)
Bread Rolling In The Deep (served on a brioche roll)
Meat The Beet-les (served with pickled beets)
Abbeet Road
Intersteak Love Song (topped with steak sauce)
Brand New Tur-Key (turkey burger)
Cranberry Good Time (turkey burger + cranberry relish)
Leftover My Head (turkey burger + cranberry relish + leftover sweet potatoes)
Veggie, That's Swell (veggie burger)
Comte My Window (topped with comte cheese)
It's A Nice Day For A White Chedding (topped with white cheddar cheese)
Bucheron Top Of The World (topped with bucheron cheese)
Get A Goatload Of This (topped with goat cheese)
Love Meat Do (2 patties)
Telling Kales
Another Tale To Spinach
Spinaching A Yarn
All's Noel That Ends Well (served on a green and red bun, topped with green and red peppers)
Bun Bun Rudolph (served on a red and green bun)
All I Want For Christmas Is Ewe (lamb patty)
5 Golden Rings (topped with yellow onions)
A Latke On My Mind (served with latkes)
Don't Que Want Me Baby (topped with bbq pulled pork)
Que Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman
Peppadew You Hear Me?
Second Starfruit To The Right
A Starfruit Is Born
Goat Your Own Way
Bok Like An Egyptian (topped with bok choy)
Brioche-ans Apart
Rye Rye Love (served on a rye bun)
A Horse(radish) Is A Horse, Of Course Of Course
My Aim Is Bleu (topped with bleu cheese)
Goat Of Many Colors
The Pepper At The Gates Of Dawn
Are You Eggsperienced? (topped with a fried egg)
The Wind Cries Cherry (topped with cherry tomato relish)
Croque Me Hamadeus (topped with fried ham and Emmental cheese)
Age Of Asparagus (served with a side of roasted asparagus)
Live And Let Fry (topped with french fries)
Meet BB-Cute (topped with BBQ sauce/pulled pork)
Kohlrabid Fandom (served with roasted kohlrabi)
We Can Brie Heroes
Fan Daikonvention (served with roasted daikon radishes)
Goat Set A Watchman (topped w/goat cheese)
Kraut Of Order
Peas Will Guide The Planets (served w/sugar snap peas)
And Loaf Will Steer The Stars (meatloaf on a burger bun)
Old Brown Road (topped w/brown mustard, or served on a rye bun)
Lettuce Remember The Good Thymes
Here I Go Egg-ain
Egg-ainst All Odds
(Continuing here)
February 6th, 2018
That's what everyone keeps telling me, but I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I can and should be doing something more. It feels pretty selfish of me to just live my life like nothing's gone wrong, like that never happened, and keep going to school and going out with my boyfriend and spending time with Mom. Not when it feels like my world's close to ending and like some of my relationships are falling apart. But on the other hand, what else CAN I do? What happened wasn't my fault and didn't even involve me at all. And I guess it's not like anyone's going to be upset that I can't fix everything.
I think it doesn't help that the past few weeks have made me start wondering again just why I was brought to this world. I thought I'd mostly had that figured out, but this has thrown me off again. Back home, I knew who I was, what my place was in my family and in my life. The oldest daughter, the one Mom and Dad trusted to help them run the restaurant and take care of my siblings. At Wagstaff, I was Tina the 8th grader, who was pretty OK at school and spent a lot of time chasing after Jimmy Jr., the kid who made friends with her teachers and was a hall monitor and tried her best to keep everyone out of trouble.
Who am I here? What role do I play in this story?
My birthday is next month, and I want to celebrate it with my mom and friends, but will they even want to? Will it feel like a birthday or just be awkward? I guess the only way to find out is talk to people. But no time or place feels right.
There's also the fact that I'm kinda leaning toward moving out. Getting a place that's for me and Mom. Maybe it'd be better for everyone else if they didn't have to worry about me. Even if it was just for a little while. Even if it does hurt them.
I hate hurting people.
February 14th, 2018
I'm going to be volunteering at the Endeavor Center, I think. It will get me out of the house and give me more chances to connect to people closer to my age. It'll give me less room to think about how awful I've felt the past few weeks ever since that happened. It'll help me feel like I'm making a difference somewhere. Plus, I can hopefully sell some burgers while doing it.
I like to think of it as making the choice to be happy here. It doesn't mean that I don't care about what happened, but part of taking care of myself is going to have to include admitting that there's nothing I can do to make it better faster. It's been hard for me to accept, but the alternative is worrying myself to death. And that doesn't help anybody.
imPort Themed Burgers
Detective Angus - made of Angus beef, filled with chef's choice of cheese
Sharpedo (for Archie) - Topped with sharp cheddar cheese and "fins" made of nacho cheese Doritos
Poe-tato Dameron - Topped with french fries/a patty of fried mashed potatoes
Merle Highchurch - Pan-fried and topped with GREENS (arugula? kale? spinach? lettuce?)
Wizard Of Mozz (for Taako) - Italian sausage patty topped with mozzarella cheese and pizza sauce
Pikachu (for Red) - a food coloring-dyed yellow bun, burger topped with pepperoni slices, olives and mustard to make a Pikachu face
Exeggutor (for Blue) - a honey and egg bun, topped with a fried egg
Quatre Formaggio - topped with four kinds of cheese
Duo Maxwell - a duo of sliders, two patties each
Mad Max - Two mini patties served on an elongated bun, with fried pickle wheels (skateboard, oh yeah)
July 15th, 2018
I think the worst part about it is back home, I let all of this stuff slide off my back like it's nothing. I almost forget about it after a certain period of time. Is it a quirk of my world, like the part where I didn't age? Or am I trying to let myself off the hook?
At least here, I am learning how to set boundaries and that it's OK to tell people "no", even if I love them, and be mad at them if they mistreat me. I can't have a perfect relationship with everyone, and trying to do that is what leads to me being such a pushover.
I feel like the things I have learned are going to be put to the test in the coming weeks, what with anti-imPort stuff happening, and things in my personal life sometimes being a mess. I've been fighting with John lately, trying to persuade him into seeing me even though his parents are- rightfully- afraid that we're going to get heckled, at best, if we're seen in public together and want us to avoid each other til things cool down. He's refusing to see me in person, and even though I know he's right I still get mad. And now that I'm in an adult body, he said he'd feel weird spending time with me. I know he's right, I'd feel the same way, but I still hate it.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except "life kinda sucks but I feel like I can deal with it". And ultimately, I would rather be kind. It's what makes me a good big sister, a good daughter, and a good student. It's what makes me better than someone like Tammy.
August 28th, 2018
I'm also wishing I could go back home and feeling like a selfish jerk for thinking that way at the same time. I have a lot going for me here, despite the losses. I still have a lot of friends, I have support at home and at school, I have a boyfriend who adores me, and basically everything I need. But without my family here, it doesn't feel complete. At the same time, I'm not sure how it would go if the rest of them were to show up. I know they'd still love me, like Mom still loves me, but I'm not the same Tina they know. Not really. Plus, I was 2 years older than Gene and 4 years older than Louise when I left. They found it hard to relate to me already in some ways, since they haven't started puberty, and Louise is still convinced it's never going to happen to her. But now I'm 3 and 5 years older than them... at my next birthday, it will be 4 and 6. I'd feel distant from my siblings, my best friends. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and not being able to have that same kind of relationship with them is not good to think about.
I guess I'm just going to have to cross that bridge if I come to it.
School is starting soon, and I'm going to be seeing the counselor again. Because distractions and keeping myself so busy I'm exhausted by the end of the day every day is starting to not work when it comes to not worrying constantly about Mom.
I also need to think long and hard about staying in Maurtia Falls. My heart says to stay, because it's the only home I've had here, there's so much we'd have to change and move around, it would be a big undertaking. But my mind knows I'm not safe here any more... moreso than any of the other imPort cities.
I wish I could just go back to my world, being eternally 13, and never having to make these choices again.
Burger Puns, Part 2
Are You Afraid Of The Cheddark?
Curry That Weight
The Loaf You Take Is Equal To The Loaf You Make (meatloaf sandwich)
Sri's So Heavy (half-pound patty topped with sriracha)
A Hash Truth (served w/hash browns)
Eggs And Ba-Con (for FanPort, topped w/bacon and a fried egg)
Thyme Of The Season
Baby Sharp (doo doo doo) (topped w/sharp cheddar)
Blame It On The Grain (served on 9-grain bun)
Loaf Will Keep Us Together (served on artisan bread)
This Is Pine-al Tap (topped with grilled pineapple)
House Of The Fry-sing Sun (topped with french fries)
Beast Of Cucumber-den (served w/cucumber "noodles")
Zucc Suit Riot (served w/zucchini zoodles)
Let It Wasa-be (served w/wasabi peas)
Butter Late Than Never (served on a buttered, toasted bun)
Land Of 1000 (Island) Dances (served w/thousand island dressing)