Jennifer Keller | Stargate Atlantis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forsometimenow) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
doublestars2013-10-13 07:35 pm
forsometimenow) wrote in doublestars2013-10-13 07:35 pm
Entry tags:
Draft of a log/narrative for paradisa
Who: Jennifer Keller
What: Solo log. Jennifer contemplates her navel and tries to come to terms with her own feelings of weakness and inadequacy.
When:
Where:
Rating:
It had been more than a month- closer to two- since Jennifer had been held up by Tess, and yet she still didn't feel quite right about it. She thought she had broken herself of that nasty habit of comparing herself to Carson, of building him up in her head and thinking he was and always would be better than her, but this had brought it- and, as she'd told Chell and some others, a whole host of her other old inadequacies- to the surface.
Jennifer knew that she was a good doctor. That should have been a given and a comfort to her. She was incredibly smart, had accelerated in school, was quite young to be a full-fledged, experienced doctor. She'd had a rocky start at Atlantis, had rather regretted volunteering herself to take over Carson's vacant position on a whim, but had proven her mettle taking every last desperate measure to try and save Elizabeth's life, even with the entire city's doom seeming to be imminent. She'd tried so hard to pull herself out of what had felt like Carson's shadow, and though she'd come close to quitting several times, she'd forced herself through it. Had gained the trust, the respect, the friendship and even love of her colleagues. Had come to see them as her friends, then her family and her protectors.
She'd talked herself out of giving up because quitting, after all, would have meant a failure. A failure to keep the promise she had made to herself when the government had approached her to join the Stargate program. The promise that she was not going to pack up and go home without giving herself a chance to settle in, that she had to expand her horizons and spread her wings beyond Wisconsin some time, no matter how scary it was, no matter how much she knew her shyness and inexperience with a large part of the wider world would count against her. The promise that she was going to make her parents proud.
And so, she had persevered. Had accepted when the IOA decided they would be okay with her staying on as head of medicine at Atlantis for as long as she wished- or until she was killed. A sobering idea. It had happened to Carson, after all, and it could very easily happen to her.
The fateful trip she and Teyla had taken to New Athos not long after she had accepted her position had been proof enough of that. Faced with the Bola Kai and a possible Wraith attack, she had frozen up. Become scared. Been unable to defend herself. She had had to rely on a high-strung Teyla, a Teyla who was not her usual calm and rational self, who was going mad with grief for her people and anger at the ones responsible for their disappearance. She had no idea how to fight, how to survive in the wilderness if necessary, and had nearly gotten the two of them killed because of it.
The idea of wanting, of needing to use a weapon- not only use it, but injure with it, kill with it- had not been something Jennifer had ever really considered necessary before in her life. She was a doctor, after all, after growing up as a country girl. Her job was to patch up the damage done by guns and bullets and knives and stunners, not inflict more of it.
And then, well, that had happened. And she had found herself, a doctor- the head of medicine of what was supposed to be a scientific expedition for crying out loud- taking sparring lessons, going to the gun range, building up muscles and honing her reaction times. She would never be completely comfortable as a fighter, would never relish the prospect of having to shoot a gun, would only ever be able to defend herself long enough until the career warriors and soldiers could take care of things for her, but it was a necessity back home. She'd made her peace with it because of that. Everyone in Atlantis, after all- Sheppard's closest and most trusted especially- had had to sacrifice parts of themselves and their own personal integrity to survive in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Then Paradisa happened.
Paradisa, it seemed, was going to be different. No Wraith, for one- well, there had been Todd at the beginning, but his price to come to Paradise was his feeding ability, so his one major weapon had been taken away. They had been something like allies before coming to the castle, and they'd helped each other on more than one occasion, so he might not have wanted to feed on her to begin with. At any rate, he'd disappeared, and the inconveniences Paradisa threw at them never seemed to cause anybody a huge threat. Not big enough to justify her letting go of that bit of her integrity again, anyway.
She had been beginning to feel as though she would be okay letting her fighting skills go to waste and not bothering to build them up until Tess had happened.
Even then, Jennifer still wasn't sure she should go back and try again.
She couldn't let her fear rule her- but the thing she couldn't decide was whether or not this did count as letting fear rule her, or if it was a reasonable consideration taking into account some of the nastier and more threatening things Paradisa had thrown at them in the past year or so.
It could be not simply about Tess alone. Jennifer could justify it to herself that way, and remind herself how much better she'd felt, how much more she'd felt like part of the team, when she'd learned to fight before. How she had a right to know how to protect herself and her property, whatever or whoever the threat might have been. How to defend her patients, if it came to that.
But a very persistent part of her kept nagging. Kept telling her that she was too weak, that she should just give up and close the clinic if she was going to take these measures, go back to the castle where it was slightly safer. Give up on this foolish idea that she was good enough to run the clinic on her own, take everything Carson had left her and make leadership and defense be somebody else's problem.
It wasn't like she still didn't wish Carson would come back and do that, after all. Take leadership out of her hands, be in charge of whatever security measures he felt necessary, be the one to make the hard decisions.
But he wasn't here, and she was. She had to make the choices. She had to take the steps. She had to decide if she could live with herself and let the fear win, be prepared in case something like this ever happened again, in case Tess and her friend- or someone else from their world, or from a world with similar or different but just as bad circumstances- got it into their head that she could be intimidated.
Or, she told herself, in case the castle itself decided to bring in something even worse.
And so, she finally picked up her journal and wrote out a few simple sentences.
What: Solo log. Jennifer contemplates her navel and tries to come to terms with her own feelings of weakness and inadequacy.
When:
Where:
Rating:
It had been more than a month- closer to two- since Jennifer had been held up by Tess, and yet she still didn't feel quite right about it. She thought she had broken herself of that nasty habit of comparing herself to Carson, of building him up in her head and thinking he was and always would be better than her, but this had brought it- and, as she'd told Chell and some others, a whole host of her other old inadequacies- to the surface.
Jennifer knew that she was a good doctor. That should have been a given and a comfort to her. She was incredibly smart, had accelerated in school, was quite young to be a full-fledged, experienced doctor. She'd had a rocky start at Atlantis, had rather regretted volunteering herself to take over Carson's vacant position on a whim, but had proven her mettle taking every last desperate measure to try and save Elizabeth's life, even with the entire city's doom seeming to be imminent. She'd tried so hard to pull herself out of what had felt like Carson's shadow, and though she'd come close to quitting several times, she'd forced herself through it. Had gained the trust, the respect, the friendship and even love of her colleagues. Had come to see them as her friends, then her family and her protectors.
She'd talked herself out of giving up because quitting, after all, would have meant a failure. A failure to keep the promise she had made to herself when the government had approached her to join the Stargate program. The promise that she was not going to pack up and go home without giving herself a chance to settle in, that she had to expand her horizons and spread her wings beyond Wisconsin some time, no matter how scary it was, no matter how much she knew her shyness and inexperience with a large part of the wider world would count against her. The promise that she was going to make her parents proud.
And so, she had persevered. Had accepted when the IOA decided they would be okay with her staying on as head of medicine at Atlantis for as long as she wished- or until she was killed. A sobering idea. It had happened to Carson, after all, and it could very easily happen to her.
The fateful trip she and Teyla had taken to New Athos not long after she had accepted her position had been proof enough of that. Faced with the Bola Kai and a possible Wraith attack, she had frozen up. Become scared. Been unable to defend herself. She had had to rely on a high-strung Teyla, a Teyla who was not her usual calm and rational self, who was going mad with grief for her people and anger at the ones responsible for their disappearance. She had no idea how to fight, how to survive in the wilderness if necessary, and had nearly gotten the two of them killed because of it.
The idea of wanting, of needing to use a weapon- not only use it, but injure with it, kill with it- had not been something Jennifer had ever really considered necessary before in her life. She was a doctor, after all, after growing up as a country girl. Her job was to patch up the damage done by guns and bullets and knives and stunners, not inflict more of it.
And then, well, that had happened. And she had found herself, a doctor- the head of medicine of what was supposed to be a scientific expedition for crying out loud- taking sparring lessons, going to the gun range, building up muscles and honing her reaction times. She would never be completely comfortable as a fighter, would never relish the prospect of having to shoot a gun, would only ever be able to defend herself long enough until the career warriors and soldiers could take care of things for her, but it was a necessity back home. She'd made her peace with it because of that. Everyone in Atlantis, after all- Sheppard's closest and most trusted especially- had had to sacrifice parts of themselves and their own personal integrity to survive in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Then Paradisa happened.
Paradisa, it seemed, was going to be different. No Wraith, for one- well, there had been Todd at the beginning, but his price to come to Paradise was his feeding ability, so his one major weapon had been taken away. They had been something like allies before coming to the castle, and they'd helped each other on more than one occasion, so he might not have wanted to feed on her to begin with. At any rate, he'd disappeared, and the inconveniences Paradisa threw at them never seemed to cause anybody a huge threat. Not big enough to justify her letting go of that bit of her integrity again, anyway.
She had been beginning to feel as though she would be okay letting her fighting skills go to waste and not bothering to build them up until Tess had happened.
Even then, Jennifer still wasn't sure she should go back and try again.
She couldn't let her fear rule her- but the thing she couldn't decide was whether or not this did count as letting fear rule her, or if it was a reasonable consideration taking into account some of the nastier and more threatening things Paradisa had thrown at them in the past year or so.
It could be not simply about Tess alone. Jennifer could justify it to herself that way, and remind herself how much better she'd felt, how much more she'd felt like part of the team, when she'd learned to fight before. How she had a right to know how to protect herself and her property, whatever or whoever the threat might have been. How to defend her patients, if it came to that.
But a very persistent part of her kept nagging. Kept telling her that she was too weak, that she should just give up and close the clinic if she was going to take these measures, go back to the castle where it was slightly safer. Give up on this foolish idea that she was good enough to run the clinic on her own, take everything Carson had left her and make leadership and defense be somebody else's problem.
It wasn't like she still didn't wish Carson would come back and do that, after all. Take leadership out of her hands, be in charge of whatever security measures he felt necessary, be the one to make the hard decisions.
But he wasn't here, and she was. She had to make the choices. She had to take the steps. She had to decide if she could live with herself and let the fear win, be prepared in case something like this ever happened again, in case Tess and her friend- or someone else from their world, or from a world with similar or different but just as bad circumstances- got it into their head that she could be intimidated.
Or, she told herself, in case the castle itself decided to bring in something even worse.
And so, she finally picked up her journal and wrote out a few simple sentences.
TEN THINGS DRAFT so I don't lose it
------
SIMON
1. I failed you the last time you were here. I only hope that if you ever show up again, you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
2. Sometimes I feel like you are the only thing here keeping me sane and stopping me from just never leaving my room.
3. Considering that we did not get along for quite a long time, I need some time to adjust to your overtures of friendship, though I do find them welcome.
4. I'm sorry. You are another person I will need to ask forgiveness of if you ever show up, because I took you for granted.
------
CASTLE
1. I keep getting this feeling that there's more to you than meets the eye. If it is the case, I hope that some day, you feel comfortable telling me.
2. I waited for so long for us to get to this point, and now that we're here, I couldn't be happier. I don't know what I would do if I lost you.
3. Come play poker with me some time. We can brainstorm zany schemes just for shits and giggles.
4. I almost want to dare the castle to come up with weirder outfits for us.
oops adding my CR meme comment so I can complete it later
Simon Tam |
Canon: Firefly
Current status in game: Simon has lost a ton of CR over the past few months, but he's not in as bad a place as he could be because he has his sister back and she remembers him, so yay!
Any current or future plans: Nothing concrete.
Recent open threads or posts: Halloween party thread
Desired CR: Friendship, and he's a doctor and is thus also available to treat any injuries your character may sustain.
Shipping Preferences: He is stubbornly faithful to his girlfriend back home and has a severely mentally ill sister to look after, so it would take a lot of work.
Jennifer Keller |
Canon: Stargate Atlantis
Current status in game: She's much better than she has been because she finally forced herself to face her fear of being attacked and looked into weapons training.
Any current or future plans: Some time this month, she will be on a temporary loss where she becomes a Wraith, a creature from her canon that feeds on life energy. She will try to hide away out of fear that she'll try and eat someone, but if anyone wants to run into her...
Recent open threads or posts: Halloween ball thread
Desired CR: Friends, and anybody who can teach her how to fight (hand-to-hand or with a weapon). Like Simon, she is also available for medical needs.
Shipping Preferences: (Yay or nay?)
Additional Comments: (Tagging speed? RP goals? Anything else you'd like to address.)
Richard Castle |
Canon: Castle
Current status in game: (What they've been up to recently, their mental state, and any recent important events or developments. Be as elaborate as you'd like!)
Any current or future plans: (This could be things that you would like to happen, or ideas that you're currently working on. Where would you like to see your character go, or are you looking for suggestions?)
Recent open threads or posts: Halloween ball thread
Desired CR: (Are you most interested in seeking out positive or negative CR? Friends? Dates? New enemies? Note them here!)
Shipping Preferences: (Yay or nay?)
Additional Comments: (Tagging speed? RP goals? Anything else you'd like to address.)