Jennifer Keller | Stargate Atlantis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forsometimenow) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
doublestars2014-01-24 08:13 pm
forsometimenow) wrote in doublestars2014-01-24 08:13 pm
Entry tags:
Draft of a log for paradisa
Who: Jennifer Keller forsometimenow and you.
What: Jennifer is being mopey after her encounter with the Bloater and is doing much navelgazing while her arm heals. Why not join her?
When: Any time from January 23rd onwards
Where: The Paradisa castle clinic
Rating: G, though depending on who shows up this may change.
Jennifer knew she should have been grateful she survived her encounter with- whatever that thing was, and gotten away with only a concussion and a broken arm for her troubles. But she still felt restless and uneasy, and since she was confined to bed for a few days thanks to said concussion, had plenty of time to think about it. Hearing through the grapevine that Maladict had left the castle hadn't helped her mood any; she'd lost several close friends in the past few months, and now one of the people who had been helping her train her body- and her confidence- the most was gone. It would be a while before the hurt from that loss lessened any.
I guess my efforts to become stronger were all a waste, Jennifer finally thought to herself one day as she lay in bed in the recovery area, looking around at all the other patients. It hadn't been much trouble for Simon to patch up her arm, which was now in a cast and a sling on her chest, so her injury wasn't bothering her too much- beyond the fact that she would be out of commission for a while. Marie was tending to her every need as best she could, so she was quite comfortable. Blue, ever faithful, didn't often stray far from the clinic entrance, even though he wasn't allowed inside. So Jennifer should have been happy for the opportunity to rest, but it was hard to enjoy it when her brain wouldn't stop moving.
I would have been dead meat if Joel and Tess hadn't decided to save me. That was pretty indisputable; she'd been on the verge of passing out and had been paralyzed with fear besides when they'd come for her. So why had they? Jennifer's first, admittedly very cynical, thought was that they only did it because they needed her as hale and hearty as possible- she had promised to never refuse either of them medical treatment. They knew her, both for better and for worse. They knew she was sincere, and they knew just as well that she was still a little scared of them and could turn that into pushing her into submission if need be. But maybe they also felt like they owed her- she HAD continued to treat Tess despite everything, had saved their friend's life, done her duty as a doctor when she had every reason to refuse. She took her oath seriously, after all, even if it was potentially a stupid move when it came to wild cards like Tess.
There were times when she even felt like she could be friends with them, but that idea kept coming and going. The three of them were very different people, from very different worlds, and had very different ways of looking at things.
What makes you think showing off your weaknesses will ever help you in the long run? Tess had asked her. That was one of the ways in which the two of them were fundamentally different- Jennifer had never felt the need to hide her deficiences and shortcomings, had always felt that acknowledging them was necessary for self-improvement, whereas for Tess, never showing them was a matter of survival in a lawless, hopeless, dangerous land.
Is it really that bad to think that way?
Well, look where it's gotten you. Nothing but a whole lot of trouble here, at least. If you were more committed to being stronger, maybe you wouldn't have needed someone to save you. Again.
Stop that. You're not Tess and never will be. You're two different people and have two very different roles in life. Stop it. Stop feeling ashamed of who you are.
Jennifer sighed and adjusted in the bed, accepting a cup of tea from Marie and blowing on it to cool it. She wished she could just banish these thoughts, the struggle she'd been having between acknowledging that she couldn't do everything, was perfectly fine just being a doctor, and wanting to be able to hold her own in a fight, too. Wanting to be content with who she was versus the creeping thoughts that maybe that wasn't acceptable. Wanting to feel tough and more confident with herself so she'd eventually stop feeling like she wasn't good enough.
Maybe she would have visitors soon- they'd help her feel better, she hoped.
forsometimenow and you.What: Jennifer is being mopey after her encounter with the Bloater and is doing much navelgazing while her arm heals. Why not join her?
When: Any time from January 23rd onwards
Where: The Paradisa castle clinic
Rating: G, though depending on who shows up this may change.
Jennifer knew she should have been grateful she survived her encounter with- whatever that thing was, and gotten away with only a concussion and a broken arm for her troubles. But she still felt restless and uneasy, and since she was confined to bed for a few days thanks to said concussion, had plenty of time to think about it. Hearing through the grapevine that Maladict had left the castle hadn't helped her mood any; she'd lost several close friends in the past few months, and now one of the people who had been helping her train her body- and her confidence- the most was gone. It would be a while before the hurt from that loss lessened any.
I guess my efforts to become stronger were all a waste, Jennifer finally thought to herself one day as she lay in bed in the recovery area, looking around at all the other patients. It hadn't been much trouble for Simon to patch up her arm, which was now in a cast and a sling on her chest, so her injury wasn't bothering her too much- beyond the fact that she would be out of commission for a while. Marie was tending to her every need as best she could, so she was quite comfortable. Blue, ever faithful, didn't often stray far from the clinic entrance, even though he wasn't allowed inside. So Jennifer should have been happy for the opportunity to rest, but it was hard to enjoy it when her brain wouldn't stop moving.
I would have been dead meat if Joel and Tess hadn't decided to save me. That was pretty indisputable; she'd been on the verge of passing out and had been paralyzed with fear besides when they'd come for her. So why had they? Jennifer's first, admittedly very cynical, thought was that they only did it because they needed her as hale and hearty as possible- she had promised to never refuse either of them medical treatment. They knew her, both for better and for worse. They knew she was sincere, and they knew just as well that she was still a little scared of them and could turn that into pushing her into submission if need be. But maybe they also felt like they owed her- she HAD continued to treat Tess despite everything, had saved their friend's life, done her duty as a doctor when she had every reason to refuse. She took her oath seriously, after all, even if it was potentially a stupid move when it came to wild cards like Tess.
There were times when she even felt like she could be friends with them, but that idea kept coming and going. The three of them were very different people, from very different worlds, and had very different ways of looking at things.
What makes you think showing off your weaknesses will ever help you in the long run? Tess had asked her. That was one of the ways in which the two of them were fundamentally different- Jennifer had never felt the need to hide her deficiences and shortcomings, had always felt that acknowledging them was necessary for self-improvement, whereas for Tess, never showing them was a matter of survival in a lawless, hopeless, dangerous land.
Is it really that bad to think that way?
Well, look where it's gotten you. Nothing but a whole lot of trouble here, at least. If you were more committed to being stronger, maybe you wouldn't have needed someone to save you. Again.
Stop that. You're not Tess and never will be. You're two different people and have two very different roles in life. Stop it. Stop feeling ashamed of who you are.
Jennifer sighed and adjusted in the bed, accepting a cup of tea from Marie and blowing on it to cool it. She wished she could just banish these thoughts, the struggle she'd been having between acknowledging that she couldn't do everything, was perfectly fine just being a doctor, and wanting to be able to hold her own in a fight, too. Wanting to be content with who she was versus the creeping thoughts that maybe that wasn't acceptable. Wanting to feel tough and more confident with herself so she'd eventually stop feeling like she wasn't good enough.
Maybe she would have visitors soon- they'd help her feel better, she hoped.